Wednesdays with Mindy: Change is Gonna Come
Change seems to be the theme this week. Eliminating the coupon entries, starting up a new daily project for the month of September…and today is my last day of employment with an AmeriCorps program as either a member or staff person.
It’s been 7 years.
For someone in my generation – that is an awful long time to devote to one employer, one program, one set of ideals.
If it weren’t for this year…I might be lobbying hard for another AmeriCorps related position. The truth of the matter is – I am burnt out. There is no shame in saying it. I am completely and utterly exhausted.
Ready for a change.
But it’s not going to be easy. This embracing unemployment and letting it ride is absolutely going against the grain of everything I stand for. Over-working myself, being as responsible as humanly possible, trying to control everything.
This process of letting my employment go is also a process of letting go of the illusion that I control my life. While at the same time – totally controlling it. I’m letting this happen, but it was a choice I made. I specifically CHOSE not to find another job. I CHOSE to enroll in a certification program. I CHOSE at least 6 months to a year of the opportunity to write something other than blog entries.
These are conscious decisions. But don’t try and tell that to my stomach in knots or my tension headache or the constant threat of tears this week. I am kind of a wreck over this decision, despite my faith in it being the right one.
Who CHOOSES unemployment? Who does that?
I do. Because it’s not often this opportunity to change my career track will align w/ a period of unemployment. Because I’ve worked since I was 16 with the longest reprieve being 4 months and I’m just fucking tired.
Just worked and worked and moved on to the next thing never really examining my career choices or what I REALLY want to do. And I know what I could do well, and be happy with. And now I’m going to attempt to do that thing.
It’s also the start of doing several things which should scare the bejesus out of me – babysitting my nephew 4 days a week and starting up a certification program in the tech field. I’m afraid. But not afraid at the same time.
This song – The Golden Floor by Snow Patrol has been rolling and rolling around in my head the last few days. Especially the chorus: “I’m not afraid of anything, even time, it’ll eat away at everything, we’ll be fine.”
This decision feels…selfish. It feels…awkward. It feels scary and wonderful and right and wrong. It’s the most conflicted I have ever felt in my life.
But it’s happening. I’m embracing it as calmly and resolutely as my body will let me.
Tomorrow starts a brand new phase in my life. Letting things happen to me. Relaxing my hold on the reins and embracing whatever is out there.
What. The. Hell.
It also starts a new month-long project for September – 30 Day Film Challenge. It smacks of lazy blogging, but I will also attempt some regular entries on top of that. Continuing the weekly “With Mindy” column. Hopefully having time to share my thoughts on the millions of other nerd things I’m thinking about all the time.